Monday, May 24, 2010

Galactic Outfitters Sale! Megafauna Wetwire Package

The MEGAFUN MEGAFAUNA™ Wetwire Package is a new item for X-plorers RPG 
Take the Triceratops by the the Horns with the MEGAFUN MEGAFAUNA™ Wetwire Package!
Have you landed on a hostile world teeming with ginormous pests? Did you go back in time and end up snout-to-snout with hungry dinosaurian lifeforms? Looking for a cost-effective solution to execute colonial construction projects? Then let us help you get the upper femur on your competition!

The MegaFun Megafauna™ package is perfect for:
  • Perimeter patrols and homeland security!
  • Territorial disputes!
  • Mobile artillery!
  • Terraforming and outpost construction!
  • Public transportation!
  • Gladitorial events! (May be illegal in some sectors)
  • Parades and birthday parties! (May also be illegal in some sectors)
  • And much, much more!
The package includes:
  • 1 neuronal wetwire kit to plug directly into creature's central nervous system*
  • 1 "brain box" control console, supports fiber optic patch cables and sports a stylish, yet durable, titanium casing
  • 1 veterinarian-grade plasma torch*
  • 250 gallons of Synapsegel™ to cover cybernetic contact points and improve conductivity performance
  • 48 pack of synaptic gold-plated connectors to be used at contact junctions, 360 degree swivel-motorized action
  • 1 set, jumper cables
  • 2 ocular particle beam emitters
  • 2 hip mounted concussion missile pods (3 missiles per pod)
  • 6 veterinarian dental and nail files (various sizes) 
  • 4 pack XXXXL gauge hide-puncture syringe
  • 340 gallons of Xanax™
*Users manuals and power supplies sold separately

Two weapon types come standard with the package, but literally any other weapon that can be attached to a vehicle can be mounted to the MegaFun MegaFauna™ Wetwire assembly using the synaptic connectors.   
Ocular Particle Beam
Damage: Can be set to fire two 2d6+2 blasts/round or four 1d6 +1 pulses/round)
Range: dual shots 250, four pulse blasts 100
Separate cost/baseline trade-in value: 150 CR for both eye sockets

Hip-mounted Concussion Missiles
Damage: One missile from each hip can be fired per round (2 total/per round) target takes 2d6 +2 damage on knockback at close range/1d6 knockback at long range; rolls save vs. stun on any hit
Range: close range - up to 150, long 150-350
Separate cost/baseline trade-in value: 75 CR each

Bonuses: See creature template for any natural bonuses or abilities
Total Package Cost: 8,000 credits, accessories and add-ons sold separately
Special conditions: Ocular beams can only fire when target has been sited and cannot select independent targets. Hip missiles may use be fired independently. Megafauna must be fed and cared for as any other animal. You'll need to do research to find out how much food your animal consumes. Re-animated animals cannot digest food without a bio-metabolic converter kit and all systems will fail in 2d4 rounds without sustenance.
And what would you expect to pay for this incredible offer? 20,000 CR? 25,000 CR? How about the barrel-busting price of only 8,000 CR! But wait, there's MORE:

EXCLUSIVE Limited Offer!!
Order your wetwire kit in the next 30 minutes and we'll thrown in the Megafauna Reanimation Kit for another 1,000 CR! Beasts once downed by plasma bolts and stinger missiles no longer need lay useless in a burned out crater. Try the ECO-FRIENDLY solution. Why waste a perfectly good giant corpse when you can REDUCE, REUSE,  and RE-ANIMATE! This is normally a 2,500 CR value but we're extending this special opportunity to customers who contact us via interstellar comm buoy today!

The Re-animation Kit includes:
  • 2 skull shovels
  • 1 wet vac (12 gallon)
  • 1 single-occupant cranium control cockpit (ask about our two and four-seater upgrades!)
  • 1 spool of high-tension steel cabling (2" diameter, 33 meters length)
  • 20 Saur-o-servos™ for musculature replacement
  • 50 gallons of Baxter's Bone Solvent™
  • 1 bio-metabollic converter kit
  • 500 feet of fiber optic cable
  • 1 ocular sensor module (upgrades for two or more available)
  • 20 tons of premium megafauna nutrition supplements
  • We'll even throw in your choice of a dozer shovel or backhoe!
Get those beasts moving again--there's no reason your carrion need go to waste when you can make your own zoological zombie workforce! Ask us about our discount counterweights and pulley systems, available for bulk discounts.

Decorate and Annihilate!
You've shown your neighbors you mean business--now show them your FUN side! Put the F-U-N in your megafauna project and create your own custom designs, or maybe you just want to show that special pet how much they mean to you. Outfit your pals with these great accessories:
Gravity Spray Gun!
Holiday Lights!
Siren Light!

Customers who bought this items, also purchased:
  • Supersurge™ Vehicle Battery Pack
  • Venom Class 4 Tachyon Missile blister pack
  • Halibustin™ Heavy Armor Upgrade Kit
  • Catapillar™ Tractor Treads (various sizes)
  • Ortho-rest Comfort Labs™ Single-person Seat
This item is provided in accordance with SSA.2436 guidelines regulating spacefaring settlement and defense. Re-animating giant lizards, mega mammals, or other over-sized animals may cause electrical failure, insurrection, and death. Check all connections and do not under any circumstances taunt a wetwired animal, living or deceased, as this may void warranty. MegaFun MegaFauna Wetwire Package should never be used on humanoids as this will also cause unexpected effects and possibly fatality thereby voiding all guarantees. In the event that these products are recalled by the manufacturer for any reason, reseller will be held blameless and impervious to re-animated dinosaur reprisals from buyer. Amalgamated Consumer Mercantile Exchange Company is indemnified in such cases.


  1. Thanks Bill, I made some adjustments/additions but I'm no stats guru. I'm happy to accept any feedback/suggestions!

  2. OK, this is awesome. (Found via your Gamma World War post!)